I know how you feel.

A week ago I attended Rob Bell's book tour,  Drops Like Stars.  Zondervan describes the book as 

 "an exploration of the complex relationship between suffering and creativity, driven by the belief that there is art in the agony."  In his presentation, Rob touched on different arts such as the art of solidarity, art of disruption, and the art of elimination.  My biggest take-away from the night came from the art of solidarity.  As part of Rob's well rounded message, every person in the audience had an index card and in their non-dominant hand wrote the words, "I know how you feel."  Rob asked a series of questions, "Have you ever been addicted to anything?", "Have you asked yourself, 'How am I going to pay the bills?'", "Have you ever been betrayed?"  After each question you were to find someone that you didn't know and switch cards with them.  In a matter of minutes it was evident that although many of us think that we are alone in our struggles, we are anything but.  

Another thought of Rob's that I resonated with was this, "When I suffer, this too will shape me.  The time will come when I will have to begin to entertain the idea that there is a new tomorrow and that I will be ok."  Despite the efforts that we put into place to plan tomorrow and the weeks and months ahead.  We don't expect a curve ball to be thrown or a wrench placed into our plans, but when that happens there will be a period of shock, feelings of defeat, a time of contemplation, etc.  It is then that we will pick up the pieces, because even the failed pieces are important; and we will start to think that perhaps there is a tomorrow that we have not planned and something great is waiting to come out of it. 

The art of solidarity.  Just last night I looked at my note card and wondered how could Jesus know anything about how I am feeling.  Does He know how it feels to be used and to be forgotten?  Does He know the pain of words that stab like a knife?  Does He know loneliness?  Has He been robbed of joy and trust?  Tasted failure?  Does He know what it's like to try to work with an uncommitted person?  It wasn't long before I was reminded of how Judas gave him up so easily; how Peter denied him three times, the many who cursed his name and the millions of uncommitted people today who he desperately wants an intimate relationship with yet they would rather remain lukewarm and not buckle-down for anything too serious.  Yeah,  He knows how I feel. 

In the end I wonder how many of us forget or don't realize that God is screaming alongside us when the difficult and unexpected happens.

 my notecard.

Another Odd Dream

My dream last night went something like this:

I was hanging out with President Obama's kids-two girls and a boy.  The boy is a kid I took to immediately during my time in Kenya, but in my dream he was the president's son.  I walk the kids back to their house which is just a simple ranch-style home with an old Chevy in the driveway.  I begin walking back and the little boys runs after me to tell me a joke at which I laugh out, a neighbor lady who is out raking her leaves also hears the joke and laughs.  I continue on my way and stop in at a restaurant that is run by an older gentleman with a short gray beard.  The restaurant has a feel of a fisherman's wharf, made out of old lumber.  I sit on the patio over looking a canal/stream/some type of water ? and there is a bridge down the ways a bit.  I sit at a table and begin eating my cheeseburger and I notice a frog that is trying to jump onto my lap.  Eventually he makes it onto my lap and then onto the table.  I leave the restaurant and begin walking down the canal/water source and look for a way to get to the bridge to cross over it.

And then I woke up.  

Psalm 143

Listen to this prayer of mine, God; pay attention to what I'm asking.
Answer me—you're famous for your answers!
Do what's right for me.
But don't, please don't, haul me into court;
not a person alive would be acquitted there.

The enemy hunted me down;
he kicked me and stomped me within an inch of my life.
He put me in a black hole,
buried me like a corpse in that dungeon.
I sat there in despair, my spirit draining away,
my heart heavy, like lead.
I remembered the old days,
went over all you've done, pondered the ways you've worked,
Stretched out my hands to you,
as thirsty for you as a desert thirsty for rain.

Hurry with your answer, God!
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland.

Keep up your reputation, God—give me life!
In your justice, get me out of this trouble!
In your great love, vanquish my enemies;
make a clean sweep of those who harass me.
And why? Because I'm your servant.

The Countdown Begins

If this week wasn't already filled enough I was called into an unexpected meeting at work with the group manager and general manager. The topic on the table was the date of my last day at work. Weeks ago I told them January 7 would be my last day, they countered with December 24 to which I said ,"No". So today they mention December 24 again and I said "No" again. I laid my cards on the table and fielded comments and hit back. There were some moments of silence, not uncomfortable to me but enough so for them that after more talking, the GM told me he would let me know of his decision tomorrow morning. Ten minutes later as I am preparing to leave he tells me that he has agreed to my original date of January 7.

I did my part in the meeting and while I am not sure of the persona or characteristics that I take on when I am those situations I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not being swayed by pressure. I also thank God for being with me in that room and keeping it together and at peace with whatever decision was made; which in this case, was in my favor.

Observation

The time to fall ill is NOT on the eve of a final exam.

Update: Earned a 92 on the final.

words

too much. panic. can't breathe. love. confused. worried. indifferent. touched. comforted. learning. God honoring. scared. support. unknowing. valley. trust. belly laughs. puppy love. clear blue skies. weep. friends. dispose. running. smiles. frustrated. kind words. application. future. questions. hurtful. think. pain. supplies. change. risk. strong. hot mess. thoughtful. warmth. open hands. life. mountain. questions. push. enter. tradition. family. assist. ignorant. sun. chocolate. lessons. truth. loyalty. second time. personal statement. deadline. calling. aid. obedience. hold. encourage. pray. listen. observation. fail. process. walk. rest. hold.

Life Lessons from Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never
fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day:

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

trying

I turned in my application for clinicals yesterday on my lunch break. I had the most dangerous attitude of all; indifferent. I received the rest of my uniform in the mail yesterday and a study book for pharmacology that I had ordered a few weeks ago. Honestly I can't tell if I just don't care or if I'm tired. I hope that it is the latter. Maybe some sleep and encouragement can help with that.

Today I traveled to the northwest part of the state with a friend. I mainly went for the Jamba Juice and the trip to the candy factory. It was a clear, brisk day and I had a good time meeting new friends and hanging out.

Final exams are this week. I have one on Tuesday and another on Friday. I have also been filling out scholarship applications this week. Personal statement anyone? Actually I find it easier the second time around. I imagine that is because I've had some time in the business world and know what it's really like and now I know what I really want.

Wrestling

I spoke with Alice today in the business office and she was very helpful in answering my questions. When I left I felt better, but then that feeling was quickly replaced by doubt and uneasiness. At best, I'll have $100 left over for books, supplies, gas, rent, food, etc. Not nearly enough and certainly not the figure I had two months ago.

What my biggest dilemma is and the thing I am wrestling with most is, do I stick it out, follow through with the current plans, muster up some faith and courage and believe that the amount I need will show up at the right time? Or, do I bow out and pray that I am able to find employment within four weeks? I don't know. And I haven't felt like God has given me any indication on what to do. To me, this is a huge decision. It's not life or death, but either decision at this point carries a lot of weight and choices. The mortal side of me says to stop. Finish this semester well. Update and send out the resumes. My heart says to wait it out. Be still. Do not worry.

I don't know.

God, I trust you

I am really worried right now. I checked my ledger on my school account and the numbers didn't add up. I am weeks away from quitting my job, days away from submitting my clinical application and now I don't know if I'll have the funds for school. I am an emotional roller coaster right now; sad, afraid, kicking myself for thinking I could do something as crazy as this, and feeling completely stupid and worse of all I am beginning to question God. I thought that this is what I was supposed to do, I thought I was being obedient. All this way and now I get the rug pulled from underneath me?! A small part of me still believes that something will come through.

My process when something like this happens is to completely lose it and throw a pity party. I go from my type A characteristics and thinking it's the end of the world; "I'm going to be without a job, I'll have to withdraw from school, return the books, uniforms, cancel the order for the stethoscope, return the supplies. I am going to look like a fool to everyone. Poor Meghan, she thought she was following Gods' will for her...

Then I take a step back and look at what needs to be done. Nothing is confirmed. I can go to the business office tomorrow and talk to Alice and work through the numbers with her. If everything is kosher, then no harm, no foul. If not, I'll go to my advisor, withdraw from classes and maybe I can start clinicals with the next class. After that, I'll have to find a job or leave the country. (I'm only half kidding)

I have a limited perspective, I know. Maybe an anonymous donor will write a check for a second degree BSN student, maybe I'll find $10,000. I know that I've come to the end of what I can do which is nothing compared to what He can do.

There is no way I can study for finals in my current state. I need to mediate and get deep in the Word.I am really worried right now. I checked my ledger on my school account and the numbers didn't add up. I am weeks away from quitting my job, days away from submitting my clinical application and now I don't know if I'll have the funds for school. I am an emotional roller coaster right now; sad, afraid, kicking myself for thinking I could do something as crazy as this, and feeling completely stupid and worse of all I am beginning to question God. I thought that this is what I was supposed to do, I thought I was being obedient. All this way and now I get the rug pulled from underneath me?! A small part of me still believes that something will come through.

My process when something like this happens is to completely lose it and throw a pity party. I go from my type A characteristics and thinking it's the end of the world; "I'm going to be without a job, I'll have to withdraw from school, return the books, uniforms, cancel the order for the stethoscope, return the supplies. I am going to look like a fool to everyone. Poor Meghan, she thought she was following Gods' will for her...

Then I take a step back and look at what needs to be done. Nothing is confirmed. I can go to the business office tomorrow and talk to Alice and work through the numbers with her. If everything is kosher, then no harm, no foul. If not, I'll go to my advisor, withdraw from classes and maybe I can start clinicals with the next class. After that, I'll have to find a job or leave the country. (I'm only half kidding)

I have a limited perspective, I know. Maybe an anonymous donor will write a check for a second degree BSN student, maybe I'll find $10,000. I know that I've come to the end of what I can do which is nothing compared to what He can do.

There is no way I can study for finals in my current state. I need to mediate and get deep in the Word.