I spoke with Alice today in the business office and she was very helpful in answering my questions. When I left I felt better, but then that feeling was quickly replaced by doubt and uneasiness. At best, I'll have $100 left over for books, supplies, gas, rent, food, etc. Not nearly enough and certainly not the figure I had two months ago.
What my biggest dilemma is and the thing I am wrestling with most is, do I stick it out, follow through with the current plans, muster up some faith and courage and believe that the amount I need will show up at the right time? Or, do I bow out and pray that I am able to find employment within four weeks? I don't know. And I haven't felt like God has given me any indication on what to do. To me, this is a huge decision. It's not life or death, but either decision at this point carries a lot of weight and choices. The mortal side of me says to stop. Finish this semester well. Update and send out the resumes. My heart says to wait it out. Be still. Do not worry.
I am really worried right now. I checked my ledger on my school account and the numbers didn't add up. I am weeks away from quitting my job, days away from submitting my clinical application and now I don't know if I'll have the funds for school. I am an emotional roller coaster right now; sad, afraid, kicking myself for thinking I could do something as crazy as this, and feeling completely stupid and worse of all I am beginning to question God. I thought that this is what I was supposed to do, I thought I was being obedient. All this way and now I get the rug pulled from underneath me?! A small part of me still believes that something will come through.
My process when something like this happens is to completely lose it and throw a pity party. I go from my type A characteristics and thinking it's the end of the world; "I'm going to be without a job, I'll have to withdraw from school, return the books, uniforms, cancel the order for the stethoscope, return the supplies. I am going to look like a fool to everyone. Poor Meghan, she thought she was following Gods' will for her...
Then I take a step back and look at what needs to be done. Nothing is confirmed. I can go to the business office tomorrow and talk to Alice and work through the numbers with her. If everything is kosher, then no harm, no foul. If not, I'll go to my advisor, withdraw from classes and maybe I can start clinicals with the next class. After that, I'll have to find a job or leave the country. (I'm only half kidding)
I have a limited perspective, I know. Maybe an anonymous donor will write a check for a second degree BSN student, maybe I'll find $10,000. I know that I've come to the end of what I can do which is nothing compared to what He can do.
There is no way I can study for finals in my current state. I need to mediate and get deep in the Word.I am really worried right now. I checked my ledger on my school account and the numbers didn't add up. I am weeks away from quitting my job, days away from submitting my clinical application and now I don't know if I'll have the funds for school. I am an emotional roller coaster right now; sad, afraid, kicking myself for thinking I could do something as crazy as this, and feeling completely stupid and worse of all I am beginning to question God. I thought that this is what I was supposed to do, I thought I was being obedient. All this way and now I get the rug pulled from underneath me?! A small part of me still believes that something will come through.
My process when something like this happens is to completely lose it and throw a pity party. I go from my type A characteristics and thinking it's the end of the world; "I'm going to be without a job, I'll have to withdraw from school, return the books, uniforms, cancel the order for the stethoscope, return the supplies. I am going to look like a fool to everyone. Poor Meghan, she thought she was following Gods' will for her...
Then I take a step back and look at what needs to be done. Nothing is confirmed. I can go to the business office tomorrow and talk to Alice and work through the numbers with her. If everything is kosher, then no harm, no foul. If not, I'll go to my advisor, withdraw from classes and maybe I can start clinicals with the next class. After that, I'll have to find a job or leave the country. (I'm only half kidding)
I have a limited perspective, I know. Maybe an anonymous donor will write a check for a second degree BSN student, maybe I'll find $10,000. I know that I've come to the end of what I can do which is nothing compared to what He can do.
There is no way I can study for finals in my current state. I need to mediate and get deep in the Word.
The GMH Conference was incredible! I arrived Friday afternoon, and had already missed a day of the conference because of work. However, I was still blessed by the speakers and breakout sessions. Worship on Friday night was amazing! For the first time since returning from Kenya I felt like I was permitted to just let go. For so many weeks it has seem that I keep pushing through another day, week, just to keep going, not stopping to reflect or really work through my thoughts and feelings. I had been to this conference before in 2006. Returning to this conference after being on a mission trip gave me a different perspective and appreciation then before. The entire weekend was such a huge encouragement. I scrambled to write down notes from the speakers so that I could look back on them for future inspiration.
I was fortunate enough to run into a few familiar faces while at the conference. Tom, who also was on the Kenya team was there with his wife who is a physician. They are currently trying to decide where to do long term missions. Shaun, who was a classmate of mine in college was in attendance as well. He is in medical school now and is excited at the prospect of doing medical missions. My favorite part is meeting Paula, a nurse of 30+ years. We traded stories of missions work over Chik-Fil-A. Paula was such an encouragement to me and at the end of our conversation gave me a warm hug and welcomed me into nursing as a sister. What an unexpected blessing.
Some of the speaker topics included: Following God's Will, Surrender and Obedience to Him, and an assortment of missions information and stories from Steve Saint. I am already looking forward to next years conference.
Having a great time listening to speakers and meeting new people. I'll write more about it later. This will have to do for now.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I guess since I am up this late anyway I might as well register for spring semester classes. Registration opens at 12am. On the list are: fundamentals of nursing (+ clinic), nursing care of adult client I (+ clinic), professional role socialization II, dosage calculation, pharmacology, and pathophysiology. Yeah, that looks like good time.
Playing for Change is a multimedia movement created to inspire, connect, and bring peace to the world through music. The idea for this project arose from a common belief that music has the power to break down boundaries and overcome distances between people. No matter whether people come from different geographic, political, economic, spiritual or ideological backgrounds, music has the universal power to transcend and unite us as one human race. And with this truth firmly fixed in our minds, we set out to share it with the world.
I really enjoyed listening to this. By the end of the song I found myself singing along and just in awe of the passion that these artists displayed.
It's hard to believe that I spent almost two weeks in Kenya. To me it doesn't seem like I was gone. Tomorrow I go back to work and that will be the true test as I adjust back to life. I've started updating the Kenya blog if you want to take a peak. It will be hard as the days pass to keep these two blogs separate. I really believe that each plays an important part in the other.
I have a midterm this Friday for school and I am starting to look at my class schedule options for next semester, though I don't have the energy for it right now. I will be taking another leap of faith here a in a few months by quitting work and going back to school full time. As the deadline gets closer my head wants to start backing away, but my heart stays strong and tells me to keep going.
I spoke with Alice today in the business office and she was very helpful in answering my questions. When I left I felt better, but then that feeling was quickly replaced by doubt and uneasiness. At best, I'll have $100 left over for books, supplies, gas, rent, food, etc. Not nearly enough and certainly not the figure I had two months ago. 
