It has been a long time since I have posted anything of significance or allow you a peek of what life has been like. Part of this stems from all of the overwhelming changes that have gone on and the other part is really, that I wasn’t paying much attention. And it wasn't change in of itself. It was the type and amount of adaptation in a short period of time. I was/am sorting through emotions that change has brought on and am still in the process of figuring it all out. I was afraid that if I posted, some might take it the wrong way. I wanted to be sure that I was in a better place to write and comprehend my own thoughts before I allowed others to. Now, at this point, I am not responsible for another’s opinion. This is more for me is a way to move on than anyone else and that is okay.

So.

When a traumatic event happens there are two ways to deal with it. One, is to tackle it head on. The other is to wait, dabble in it a bit and see if it works itself out. I'm more of the former. As I am typing this, I am continually looking over my shoulder every time I hear this noise (it’s the freezer making ice cubes) to most, this noise means nothing, to me it is a startling reminder of a burglary. This house alarm is on, doors locked, lights on, I even have the key fab on me with the panic button and my cell phone is always on me. Still, the subtle noises that I hear haunt me. This is just one of the changes that I am still, three months later, working through. When I called dispatch the second time when I realized a vehicle had been stolen, the dispatcher was very sincere and direct in telling me, “What you’re feeling right now, all the emotions, is normal. Hang in there.” Hang in there? At the time, the last thing I wanted was someone telling me how I am feeling. I wanted to give a report and start the process of an investigation. I didn’t have time for feelings. It would be later when I understood that someone was giving me permission to feel, to react, and that was what I needed the most. Those was also the first words of encouragement that I had heard. There have been several times to this day where I have gone back to that conversation. When the feelings come flooding back and the should’ve and could’ves come to the service, I am reminded that it’s okay that I feel this way. Each day is its own struggle. I have never felt so helpless and hopeless. It was only recently that I stayed the night at the house by myself. Each day improves a little. Each day I gain a little more confidence then the day before. Why this was written into my story I have no idea. I can only hope that it serves a greater purpose.

The only constant is change. With my home life disrupted and staying at the homes of friends and family, I turned to my work for solace and relief. This would not last long. It had been announced that the site where I worked would be closing at years’ end. A position that had been secured for me had fallen through due to lack of funding. At this point it was up in the air if I would have a job come December. I never felt as if I would not be employed. God was and is very faithful. Finally, it was decided that I would move to a different building with a new team and work on plating assays and running mass spectrometry. I had never done either of these things and became excited about learning new processes and adding to my resume. It became evident though, quite quickly, that this job was not for me. Those that know me well know that work for me has to most importantly have meaning and secondly be in a high stress environment. I need lights and sirens and enjoy “putting out fires”. I can do repetitive tasks…but only if it is exciting. I had all of this while working in clinical trails. Honestly, it felt as if my livelihood was snatched from me. As you can probably tell, my life was a mess . No permanent home for weeks, a shaky job situation, my faith was dwindling and there was lack of stability to prove it. Here I realized that if my circumstances were going to change, then I needed to change as well. I wanted and needed God to take back control of my life. No longer would the world have me as their pawn.


Depending on the severity of what one is going through, there comes a time where hearing “hang in there, hold on” no longer helps. If anything, it reminds you of how little you’ve progressed. I hit that mark two weeks ago. I wanted to argue. “But I have been!” “What else am I supposed to do!” I was becoming inpatient with myself and with others. I retracted deeper into my self- made cocoon and plastered a smile on when I had to. I desperately wanted to tell someone what was going on. I thought that I needed to stay together and didn’t want to burden another with my issues. Besides I thought, "who would woant to hear all this again?" All that was left to do was wait. I had done all I could. The rest was up to God.

I was driving to an early morning appointment and drove across a reservoir looking at the leafless trees on the shoreline and how the early morning sun was hitting their bare branches. Even with the lack of color it still looked beautiful. I turned to look behind me and took notice of the sunrise. It was breathtaking. You see sunrises and sunsets are God’s personal gift to me. Some have dolphins, a song, a flower, or an activity as their gift. The sun is my present. It had been some time-- months in fact since I took notice of His gift. It was as if he was saying, “I’m still here Meghan, I’m still on the thrown and in charge.” What immediate relief I felt.

I came across this great article, Running Into Change from Matt Litton in Relevant magazine. It hits home the idea that I had been searching for.

“The voices of disparagement and skepticism will say that I can't quit this or can't accomplish that, that I will never recover from a transgression or misstep. But when Jesus rose from the dead he guaranteed that transformation would be completed in me, a promise woven so securely into the very DNA of Creation that even nature must model its truth in the grand symphonies of its seasons.”

How true is that? Change of the seasons happens four times a year. And that’s just what we see, it doesn’t take in to account the changes that are invisible to the naked eye. Lord knows that I’ve heard the voices of disparagement and skepticism. Surprisingly some came from lips of those I thought would be encouraging. Litton also points out that, “Change is the actuality of life with God…Change is reality in God’s creation”. Through these changes my family and friends have been my rock. Each of you know who you are. You offered solace and relief, beds and couches, honest conversation and hearty laughs. Most importantly you made yourself available and for all of this, I am eternally grateful.

So, 2009 for me will be a year of change. It’s inevitable. It’s exciting. And it’s comforting to know that my Savior is with me. The first change is the hour each day I have for myself doing something I love. I won’t give it away because it’s my gift to myself. The second immediate change is hoping. I gave up hoping for fear that my hope would blow up in my face. Truth is, it’s much more nerve racking waiting for something to go to shambles than to hope unswervingly.
I feel better about 2009 and the adventures and joy that will come with it. I hope that you’ll continue on this journey with me.